• If you’ve never lived in new York, or haven’t lived here long, you might not be aware that this metropolis is made up of very distinct cultures that have their own style and identities. I’m not talking about the obvious ones, sure Times Square has a different culture than the East village. That is obvious, I’m talking about deep rooted differences in the basic cultures that these areas are based on.

    Still not following me?

    Take for instance Chinatown, located downtown near the governmental seat of the city, however in Chinatown you wont pay any tax on anything. Why? We don’t know. By law they have to, but somehow, someone along the way said “Screw that noise” and the guy next to him said “Yeah! Scew that noise!” and it caught on, so now they don’t. (I can’t exactly back this up with any concrete evidence, but you come up with a better explanation)

    So, on Friday walking past some discarded Christmas trees on the upper east side and I noticed that one of the christmas trees had been thrown out with all it’s lights still on it. Now, I have never intentionally thrown away christmas lights. I have found huge balls of Christmas lights from the following year and thought better of unraveling them and simply replaced them. But never thrown them away. What am I made of money?

    On the Upper East side, however, it didn’t phase me at all. It’s the Upper East side, I expect that if not more. I was expecting an entire decorated tree, complete with shinning star set on the curb, with a french poodle pure-breed wrapped in a Channel dog sweater politely evacuating on it. On the upper East side, you are dealing with the cultural elite, until you hit 100th street and the whole guise of good taste goes right down the drain. The upper east is the haughty front end of cultural white noise that parade in glass houses and throw tiny stones.

    Find that in the tourist books.

    Later that weekend I went to a fantastic dim sum place in chinatown which was like night and day to the Upper East. Chinatown, as I mentioned above, is a bizarre ecosystem that exists in it’s own little world. Where fish markets still sell fish on the sidewalk, where you can buy a fendi handbag for $10 complete with a certificate of authentisity, where you can still have lunch for $2. Chinatown is old New York, it has been largely untouched by the dysneyfication that has hit much of central New York City. This Dim Sum place was incredible. waiters and waitresses zipping by with steaming carts festooned with bamboo steamers puffing jovial tufts of delicious smelling scented steam. (eh?)

    As soon as we sat down, there was a smiling man in a suit politely thrusting plates of steamed chinese broccoli and stir-fried noodles, asking us “very delicious?” (Not much of a question I know, but in the context it made perfect sense). It wasn’t the food that made me think it noteworthy, but as we delighted in the dim sum, the Chinese wait staff delighted in quarter pounders with cheeses in the kitchen… I was astonished, but then again, you eat Chinese food everyday and see what you want to eat.

    The whole experience left me appreciating the little differences that cultures can have, even in such close proximity. Manhattan might be a little island, but it sure feels like its own little world at times, completely detached from the rest of America. What a frightening thought.

  • The other night, I got onto the train with , going back to ‘s place in Brooklyn. It was about 9, but the train was full all the same. We had gone out for Mongolian food with one of her work friends and had eaten enough ginger scallion stripped bass to make the ride to her home a sedate one. The train arrived as soon as we got to the platform and we rejoiced in our luck.

    Now…

    and I have only been going out for about 7 months, give or take a few weeks, and are still very much hands on. You know the type, always giggling about something and constantly remarking about “how lucky we are.” On a normal day, I will sit next to , if the seating permits, or stand over her, if not. In front of us lay a dilemma, or more accurately a person who presented a dilemma.

    If you are not a New Yorker, or don’t ride on the Subway you may not be aware of METROPOLITAN TRANSIT AUTHORITY‘s campaign of not putting your bags on the seats. They basically compare it to taking a shit in the unsuspecting mouth of a stranger, if not worse. Which, if there are no seats, may be an accurate comparison, which made the fact that somebody was using a seat for her bags a slight discomfort.

    The fact it was a MTA worker, made it infuriating.

    The additional fact that, not only didn’t she move her bags, she looked strait at me and stared with the bitchiest smirk on her face seemingly saying “what? You want this seat? Well, I work here, it’s mine.” I, however, doubt she would have been as succinct, or as grammatically correct.

    I guess I should have expected it.

    I don’t want to give the impression that I think all MTA workers are all assholes, they’re not. Not only that, but most get a bad reputation that don’t deserve it. But sometimes… Sometimes… There are some assholes in the world. You just want to…

    Ahh, forget it. Let me get on with my life. Sometimes it’s necessary to remind oneself what really matters. A seat on the subway isn’t one of them.

  • There are a lot of places I would never have expected myself to be in. A bar in Highland New York celebrating my friend’s Steve’s engagement whilst a stripper with track-marks flailed about and her boyfriend/bouncer asking patrons not to grab her extremities, was one of them. Eating all-you-can-eat buffet style chinese food on Long Island at ‘Kings Buffet’ with my girlfriends 70+ year old parents not only matching my appetite, but surpassing it, was another. But if, and this would have been a huge if, you had said I would be at the establishment I was in on Saturday night I would have called you crazy and might have even thought less of you for thinking it.

    You have to understand the circumstances of how.

    was getting ready to go out dancing, her friend Nikki had decided the night before that she wanted to go out ‘disco dancing’ and had said sure. was pulling out all the stops, she was wearing a shirt cut in half held unmodestly together by a set of safety-pins exposing just enough cleavage to make me not going dancing an impossibility. I was dreading the idea of a huge club filled with sweaty perfumed strangers and was trying to use mental telepathy to secretly attack Nikki’s immune system, but she called and said she wanted to party, and I hung my head in shame being unable to persuade her drift into a coma like sleep.

    We headed out to Manhattan to meet up with some of ‘s coworkers at John’s Restaurant , an overly pricey old-school italian restaurant on the east side. I had accepted, by this time, the fact that I would have to dance at some point later in the evening. I’m not a dancer by nature, but like a cornered mongoose I will [lash out] if cornered, or threatened. We met up with ‘s friends and had a pleasant dinner, while edgy waiters barked questions to us like bread bearing Gestapo. At the end of dinner, with still no sign or phone call from Nikki, we headed with ‘s work friends to a bar nearby for drinks and some Hip-hop music.

    Now dear friends, I will be the first to admit that I am not a party animal. I have, regrettably, never appeared in a ‘When Girls Go Wild’ video drinking a beverage off of a young lady’s nether-regions. I’m just not built for that kind of throw caution to the wind haberdasher lifestyle, but I can drink a 450 pound Rumanian woman under the table, no problem. I received part of this gift from my German Mother and owe part of it to shut-in roommates who drank too often in college. A bar, regardless of what music they may be playing, is like a second home for me.

    That sounds worst that it actually is.

    called her friend Nikki up and Nikki said she didn’t feel like going out disco dancing, I was so relived that… I felt like dancing. remarked, as a pissed does “Well, I don’t know what to tell you about that.” Which in language roughly translates as “Well, I spent 2 hours getting ready to out dancing, because you said you wanted to and you decide that now, at 11:30, that you don’t feel like it? Up yours sister.” (or something to that effect) We stayed at the little bar for an hour or two and I even danced, now that the pressure had gone and also to show that I wasn’t bothered by dancing anyway, and the phrase floated across the bar “Why don’t we go for Karaoke?”

    God no. Karaoke? I mean that was like my staple determiner of a person’s detachment with reality. The only thing I ever shared with a Japanese businessman was a fondness for raw fish, and wasn’t ready to share ‘like a Virgin’ Tokyo style. If I went to a Karaoke bar, what would people say about me? But before the gong of reason could be rung, we were heading out to a Karaoke place on 2nd Ave.

    I will not bore you about all the specifics leading up to the the singing, only to explain that I found myself singing backup to Chumbawamba’s ‘Tubthumping’ and my girlfriends cleavage shirt full aflutter screaming into the microphone. “I get knocked down, but I get up again, you’re never going to keep me down.” and me singing “Don’t cry for me Danny boy”.

    From shiqu to geek in 3 hours, from clubbing all night long to a small dingy blue room drinking Pabst Blue Ribbon and giggling about the next song we would be delighting at, it dawned on me that maybe we’re not so different the Japanese businessman and I. Maybe we could learn something from other cultures and celebrate our differences…

    What the hell am I talking about? The Japanese are still an insane culture that wears shoes too big and has cartoon characters with overly big eyes. Screw them and please help me track down my dignity!

  • Happy New Year everybody. Well, it’s good to be back at Fun Time Tree House, especially with an entire new year ahead and a hopeful outlook that maybe this year will be even better than the last. You may have been wondering…

    “Why the hell hasn’t Funtime Ben updated the site?”

    Well, for most of last week, much like many of you, I was out of the office and didn’t have access/time to get a blog entry out to you beautiful people. There was another little hinderance, in that the more I tried to write something witty and meaningful, for the new year, the more mental road-blocks I came across. I really wanted the first post of the new year to be meaningful… A mantra by which to steer my life… This was all I could come up with.

    Sorry

    Whenever I’m in the bloggin’ mood I seem to be miles from the nearest computer. Things happen to me, I know, I was there, but when I try to translate that into a mildly entertaining story I wind up with a well constructed diatribe that reads like the back of a box of Cheerios. I assume all I need is more practice and more time to master the tricks and writing style needed to rock the online diary world.

    I want to create something special here, but I haven’t quite figured out what it is yet. Please bare with me as I try to find out what it is.

    NEW YEARS RESOLUTIONS

    1. Keep writing
    2. Enjoy my life
    3. Not feel pressured
    4. Have my own personal voice
    5. Remember what’s important

    Snow on 16th Street

  • So, my beautiful girlfriend, and Risa, her very fun roommate, are having a non-denominational holiday party this year celebrating the winter solstice. This will be my first Winter Solstice party and I am very excited by the prospect of attending. Past solstices featured my girlfriend drunk, gatherings of various characters with stories I have heard much about, and the introduction of turducken.

    I guess you can see why I’m so excited.

    This solstice party will be their 4th and it differs only in that I will be handling the music this year. With the addition of my iPod I can create a custom playlist of music and have it play the entire party with out having to change a single CD. There is now the pressure of what music to play. I don’t want to choose the wrong music, but what to choose?

    The girls have given me a list of various musical requests all the way from the Ramones, the Replacements, Daft Punk to Sheila E. There is a hell of a lot of ground to cover between them. I was just wondering, if you had a song (or group of songs) that you would choose, what would they be?

    Christmas In Hollis by Run D.M.C. is on, but I need some help.