A Personal Story

Last night, during my wife’s story telling open mic, I told the most personal story I have ever shared. It wasn’t necessarily a good story, nor do I feel I succeeded at being as honest as I was planning on being, but it is the most raw thing I have ever said on stage in the 10 years of being on them. The story, if you can call it that, was about my fear of my life. I live my life, according to my fears.

I have done some amazing things through my fear, such as marry my incomprehensibly wonderful wife, take improv classes, and telling stories. But those moments of clarity are far overshadowed by far darker years of immobilizing fear, preventing me from taking risks, speaking up for myself, and even, at some points, from leaving my apartment. Fear has ruled my life for so long, I’m not entirely sure what my life will look like without fear.

I’m terrified of my life without fear.

So, I have decided to go to therapy. Not sure what kind, or where, or how I will pay for it; but I need to do something proactive to change the darker parts of my thoughts. I love so many parts of my life and for the most part live a positive existence, but those thunderclouds of self doubt and judgement are always hanging on the horizon, waiting to move in. If I am going to find happiness not solely based on the support of my wife (Thank you) I need to do something about it. I need to find out why I feel the way I feel and why I become immobilized, like a deer in headlights, the minute a choice outside my comfort zone presents itself.

I’m going to document my process, because as I said yesterday; I can’t be alone in feeling this way. I work better working with other people. This is why I started teaching. My fear is huge, but so is my love of the people who care about me, support me, and tell me everything is going to be alright. My love is also huge for all those people feeling the same thing and not knowing what to do next. For all of you without such support groups, I am here to let you know everything is going to be alright, we are going to be alright. I care about you.

I care about me.


A Month of Working Out

Last month I tried something called Sober February to see how it made me feel to cut out alcohol and meat. At the end of the shortest month, I admitted that it really didn’t make me feel any better health-wise. Sure, I felt a bit lighter, but it didn’t make a huge impact on my well-being. I still had aches and pains. Still felt gross sometimes.

This is normal right?

It was then I said, “I think I might make April the day I go to the gym every day and see how that affects my health.”

April is here, and I have decided to make it The Month of Gym. Every day I will exercise for a minimum of 30 minutes, but I plan to work out more than that most days. During this time, I’m going to be measuring my weight and see if I feel better with some old-fashioned physical labor. I’ll keep an updated page with all my stats and how I’m doing with it — if you want pictures of my guns, that’ll cost extra!

I’m hoping that after the month, it will become a habit, and I will continue to go to the gym after my challenge.

Any words of encouragement would most defiantly be appreciated.


28 Days Later, A Month Without Booze

Unless you are super into football, or a successful movie mogul, or just got a new boyfriend/girlfriend, or your birthday happens to fall in February, the month is by and large forgettable. The cold, the lapsed new year’s resolutions, the overwhelming feeling of futility; February sucks. The only saving grace of February is that it is the shortest month. At least if you have to suffer — you don’t have to suffer for long.

Sober February

So when funny man, directer, and all around swell guy Eric Appel posted about participating in I was inspired. Perhaps the idea appealed to me, because at the time my body felt like an dumpster, or perhaps it was that my girlfriend had once again left for her new home in Los Angeles, or maybe it was that I had a fear that my drinking alone playing video games was not as healthy as I once believed. Whatever the reason for my sudden fortitude, I made a mental agreement to participate.

To make the shortest month even more resemble a nondenominational lent, I also decided to cut out all meat, cut back on sweets, and drink less coffee. My thinking being; if I’m going to be good, why not be really good? Likewise, if I’m going to be miserable, why not get all my deprivations over in one shot (why not be really miserable)?

When I think back to the month where all my friends looked at me as though they suspected me of some unforgivable crime, such as butchering my neighbors and burying them under my floorboards. Or the countless bartenders who’s disgusted eyes seemed to imply my membership to being a man was hereby revoked once I acknowledged receipt of my cranberry and soda. Or that first night I went inexperienced to my local bar and had a diet coke to every beer of my friends only to find myself fantastically awake at 4am watching the first 45 seconds every movie in my Netflix instant watch cue. February had some good times, but I also learned some interesting things about being deprived of my favorite things I thought I would share.

What I learned from depriving myself of my favorite things for 28 days

  1. Not drinking booze is incredibly cheap! There were some nights were I literally spent $5 on a nights worth of drinks! That is amazing.
  2. It is amazing how much weight you can loose by cutting out booze! I lost 10lbs, mostly of happiness.
  3. Being a vegetarian was harder than being on the wagon. (ie – there are only so many slices of pizza and felafels you can eat)
  4. I thought eating well and treating my body right would make me feel better, it didn’t overall. Day-to-day I did feel better.
  5. Going to bars while sober is surprisingly easy and feels a lot better the day after.
  6. I am more addicted to coffee than I am to booze.
  7. Video games are FAR less entertaining sober.
  8. If you are going to go out with friends who are drinking be sure to act as drunk as them, or they will think you are acting superior.
  9. Don’t forget to tip the bartender if you are drinking non-alcoholic drinks, or you will become the lowest priority at the bar and it will  take you 15 minutes to get another drink.
  10. Hamburgers are seriously delicious and go really well with beers.

So that’s my story. 28 days and I have to say I’m glad I did it. I think I might make April the day I go to the gym every day and see how that effects my health, because while I learned a lot about my addictive personality, or lack thereof… I still feel like a dumpster.


High Cholesterol

Today was my semiannual checkup/results from blood test. For all the things that were right (I’m not dead), there were quite a few things that needed some work. The biggest of the things that need work? My cholesterol.

Welcome to your 30’s.

Once you hit 30, shit changes. Hardcore. When I was in my 20’s I was like “This is how it’s always going to be, pass the deep-fried butter pats!” but now I’m eating hummus with carrots. CARROTS PEOPLE! I thought they were only used to stuff up animal’s rectal cavities or used to flavor gravy. I look at people like Paul Westerberg and am like, what am I doing wrong? He had is blood replaced like 5 times by the time he was my age and I bet his knees don’t click when he goes up the stairs!

So all of this is further evidence that while I feel like a idiot child, I am in fact becoming a geezer who will shortly understand the allure of Matlock and early bird specials.

I get it.