Last night, during my wife’s story telling open mic, I told the most personal story I have ever shared. It wasn’t necessarily a good story, nor do I feel I succeeded at being as honest as I was planning on being, but it is the most raw thing I have ever said on stage in the 10 years of being on them. The story, if you can call it that, was about my fear of my life. I live my life, according to my fears.
I have done some amazing things through my fear, such as marry my incomprehensibly wonderful wife, take improv classes, and telling stories. But those moments of clarity are far overshadowed by far darker years of immobilizing fear, preventing me from taking risks, speaking up for myself, and even, at some points, from leaving my apartment. Fear has ruled my life for so long, I’m not entirely sure what my life will look like without fear.
### I’m terrified of my life without fear.
So, I have decided to go to therapy. Not sure what kind, or where, or how I will pay for it; but I need to do something proactive to change the darker parts of my thoughts. I love so many parts of my life and for the most part live a positive existence, but those thunderclouds of self doubt and judgement are always hanging on the horizon, waiting to move in. If I am going to find happiness not solely based on the support of my wife (Thank you) I need to do something about it. I need to find out why I feel the way I feel and why I become immobilized, like a deer in headlights, the minute a choice outside my comfort zone presents itself.
I’m going to document my process, because as I said yesterday; I can’t be alone in feeling this way. I work better working with other people. This is why I started teaching. My fear is huge, but so is my love of the people who care about me, support me, and tell me everything is going to be alright. My love is also huge for all those people feeling the same thing and not knowing what to do next. For all of you without such support groups, I am here to let you know everything is going to be alright, we are going to be alright. I care about you.
I care about me.