Hold the Mayo

When I was younger, 8 or 9, I used to think that mayonnaise had some sort of preserving feature. I thought people smeared that disgusting white stuff all over their sandwiches because it protected the bread from getting soggy from the tomato. It was like bread paint.

A protective barrier, if you will.

When I later learned that it was smeared on sandwiches for flavor, I was utterly at a loss. Why would you voluntarily smear an opaque gel across your perfectly tasty sandwich? For years after I forbade it from ever touching a sandwich of mine. Finally, at age 14, I accepted mayonnaise into my life, because I discovered the joys of Ham & Swiss.

Now, I enjoy a little mayo on my sandwiches. A splash of the low-fat variety is a treat I do indulge in. I’m not an over-indulger by any means, if I take a bite of a sandwich and mayo begins to squirt out the other side… I have to perform a mayomectomy (smear the excess on the bag).

Funnily enough, it was when I was 18 I realized, from a lengthy examination of a Hellmann’s bottle, that mayo also doesn’t contain dairy. I just assumed. White stuff, other than Fluff, equals some sort of dairy product. It doesn’t.

I checked.


9 responses to “Hold the Mayo”

  1. Although it contains no dairy, I learned that you must stick it in the fridge. Eggs. And what are you talking about?, no protective barrier, that's a secondary usage at least.

  2. I just liked thtat you worked "funnily" in a sentence.

  3. Ritamarie Avatar

    It is pretty much just eggs and oil – you could easily make it at home. Who would want to? Disgusting for the most part but yes, a little bit mixed with some nice mustard on a ham and cheese and you have got your self a little heaven sandwich.

  4. Rita, you're a heaven sandwich.

  5. mayo is the best thing i ever heard of on a sandwich whether it be a protective barrier or not. i LIKE it to squeeze out the end of the sandwich…especially if you happen to be in europe and they HAND MAKE the mayo. it's like heaven. HEAVEN i say.

  6. Mayonaise can taste good. In Belgium and the Netherlands they make a variation called fritessaus – it has a splash of vinegar I think – and an enjoyable flavor. And of course there is the delicious aioli – garlic mayonaise.

    And yes, I am glad to be spending part of my Tuesday morning defending the flavor of mayonaise.

  7. That's alright, I spent Wednesday writing this entry.

  8. I say this merely because I care: mayo is the work of Satan. Those who eat mayo and espouse its virtues make Baby Jesus weep.

    Embrace mustard. Preferably spicy.

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